Government say people with no arms or legs can work as door stoppers

The government is to clamp down on work-shy people with no arms or legs, we can reveal.

Barnaby Rothschild of the Department of Work & Pensions has said we can no longer afford the money that the ‘bone idle limbless’ squeeze from the benefit system each year and has introduced the ‘Tetra-amelia New Deal scheme’.

He said, ‘It’s essential that if you can work, then you do work. There is no reason why those particular chaps cannot become fantastic door stoppers and feel the confidence that would come from being with other door stoppers for 10 hours a day, earning while they do it.’

‘We have many large heavy office doors around Westminster that are in dire need of a bloody solid human to stop them banging closed. This is a great opportunity and will save the taxpayer dozens of pounds a year.’