My Hell, My Story - By Wayne Rooney’s hair implants

It can’t be easy being hair implants, one day you could be a part of the arse hair family, the next you’re sewn into a head.

But imagine the head was that of Wayne Rooney, the ex footballing superstar. The Daily Flange has been given an exclusive extract from an exposing new book…

‘It’s a traumatic life on his head. We don’t know if we’re coming or going. At first we were there on his scalp enjoying the good times as a footballer, he would scratch us now and then. We had a good life. But recently it’s been different.’

‘He’s getting all this analysis work now so he’s topped us up. It’s caused all sorts of chaos on top, we don’t know what we’re doing. We’re looking like a Velcro shit show at the front and god knows what’s going on at the back.’

‘For me, we need a change of direction because the way it’s going we’re looking at another Andrew Neil, an ever rising pube crop circle sitting above a head that doesn’t know it’s fringe from a brillo pad. We’ve had some implants leave, but Wayne is in no rush to replace them. He’s not like Jimmy Carr or Gordon Ramsey, looking after us and all that, this is Wayne Rooney you’re talking about, he treats us like the council treat a pothole. I long for the days when a sex worker patted us down.’

My Hell, My Story by Wayne Rooney's hair transplants now available to pre order.