Llanberis climber buys another carabiner to fill void of human connection

A Llanberis climber with a severe lack of human connection has purchased another carabiner in his quest to fill the void.

Tom Braggles St John has now amassed a plethora of the popular climbing equipment as real human connection eludes him.

He said, ‘They fill the gaping hole that my heart desires for a while. I tried to mix the two in my last relationship. I made Jessica, who was my carabiner at the time, be a part of my sex life with Fanny, my girlfriend at the time.

‘It didn’t go to plan as Fanny and Jessica didn’t seem to need me so Fanny and I parted ways. After that I decided to add more carabiners to Jessica and it felt right. Like a warm North Face goose feathered puffa puffa, it felt good. Sexual.’

‘I will keep buying them until the day I learn to feel empathy, emotion and perhaps one day, when it’s raining and I can’t go climbing, a human.’