Your Horoscopes for March with Mysterious Malcolm

Aries ♈️ The moon is gravitating toward you which will make you behave like a little shit. Love is not in the air, instead bitterness and hate helps you and your sly mate move forward.

Taurus ♉️ As the sun warms up, you will feel compelled to be a nasty piece of work around the house. You will continue to repulse people around you.

Gemini ♊️ Finally you feel yourself again, a vindictive wrench of a human who is only happy when others fail. Good news! Others will fail.

Cancer ♋️ New moons make you feel warm and romantic which is a shame as others will be disgusted by you, keep your head down and be half arsed about things.

Leo ♌️ Your love life is on the up! You’ll be meeting someone equally as narcissistic and hard faced as you.

Virgo ♍️ The planets are lining in your favour yet despite the solar system’s best efforts, John Virgo is your King. Fortune is in a game of snooker.

Libra ♎️ Being a Libra you’ll dive head first into new challenges, the challenge this new moon will be to not fuck it up as usual. You’ll want to give your opinion. Don’t! It’ll be rubbish.

Scorpio ♏️ Delve deep into the people who have not understood you before, they will soon grow to understand exactly what you are, a dirty so and so.

Sagittarius ♐️ Typically Sagittarius’ are well travelled, but the only travelling you’ll be doing is back and forth to anxiety and depression. Just think, it can’t get any worse?

Capricorn ♑️ As the Sun tilts your way, you will be confident in manipulating even your best friends for sympathy, advice and then money. Remember; it’s not stealing if they give it to you.

Aquarius ♒️ New hope arrives in the form of a vulnerable person who you can take advantage of. Do what you do best, make them feel weak which will make you feel strong.

Pisces ♓️ As Neptune spins faster, you’ll be impressed by colleagues hard work and desire, don’t be. They are losers and so are you, know your place; on the scrap heap.