Festival twats: Your guide

1. The VIP twat

Keeps talking about how they could have got backstage passes but chose to be with the real people. Brags about knowing they hung around Camden at some point.

2. The Ukulele prick

Carries it everywhere. Does really pathetic covers in a voice that tells you they wet the bed. Ends up being spiked though.

3. The Spiritual nob

Offers unsolicited tarot readings, burns sage into your sleeping bag, and tries to convince you that Worthy Farm is their second home.

4. The Flag dickhead

Plants an enormous flag directly in your line of sight at the Pyramid Stage. Thinks the crowd is there to see their homemade Dave 4 PM banner. It will be their personality for the festival.

5. The Instagram clown

Won’t seen a single act live. Spends entire festival hopping from photogenic spots: the Glastonbury sign, ribbon tower, and that one stone circle selfie at sunrise. Will also get spiked.

6. The Lost drugged fella

Wanders aimlessly invading other people’s space, probably lives in Bristol. He’s the one spiking people.

7. The Wellies girl

Thinks she’s Kate Moss. Wears open-toe sandals in 6 inches of mud. Moans about the terrain as if its a surprise. Says they were spiked, people are sceptical.

8. The Unofficial DJ of shite music

Blasting techno from their phone while everyone waits to pee. Does dance moves. No one joins. The smell is stronger than their vibe.

9. The Overly Committed Costume Crew

Dressed like flamingos or inflatable bananas for the entire five days even when it’s pouring and freezing. Funny on day 1.

10. The 1975
A band of twats, for twats.