UFC. Gareth the Farmer vs Chris Packham: who will win?

Packham: Vegan         Gareth: Definitely Not

Energy

Gareth: The meat protein will give him surplus energy but may tire as his digestive system sorts out last night’s steak. But as a lambing season veteran, he’s built to go all the way 'til summer. 8/10

Packham: What he lacks in Iron & vitamin D he makes up for in fibre and Vitamin C. The nuts and berries breakfast means he’s capable of watching two hedgehogs mate for several hours. 7/10

Strength

Gareth: Will pounce through snow to save a sheep with enough strength left to throw the sheep over a fence if needs be. 8/10

Packham: Would also pounce through snow for a sheep, or even a rat for that matter. But wouldn’t have the heart to throw it over a fence. 6/10

Vision

Gareth: Relying on sheepdogs to find things from afar and rifle scopes for everything else may mean his eyes are not that of an eagle. Certainly missed some rats on his farm before. 6/10

Packham: Has the vision to spot a bluetit from half a mile, so can easily see a left hook a mile off (and block with his kestrel landing arm.) 9/10

Smell

Gareth: Has the ability to smell a fox shit from 1km and a badger set from 2km. 9/10

Packham: Can smell the tears of an Ox from 1km and a meat eater from 10ft. 9/10

Knowledge

Gareth: Knows everything a book could never tell you about farming life, yet doesn’t know when he’s being used by the Tories. 7/10

Packham: Has written many books on wildlife, yet wouldn’t know a high tensile knot if a Falcon shat one on him. 8/10

Verdict: Gareth the Farmer just nicks it. Packham may then be boned & rolled.