Joey Barton’s 7 rules for a happy life: 

1) Call all women who aren’t his wife, lesbians. It’s best they know.

2).Make new friends. Lozza Fox and Katie Hopkins didn’t seem like Joey's sort of people and would never want to be around anyone from Joeys background but he was willing to reach out, now he has friends for life. Just have the same views as them.

3) Get involved in Race rows. Apart from Hitler, who else stuck up for whites? Actually quite a few, one more wouldn’t do any harm.

4) Keep clear of stressful job offers. This can be done by calling rival football managers fat, all defenders ugly and anyone else a ‘spastic’ or ‘Nonce’.

5) Say goodbye to your negative past; This means you can condemn less violent stuff that you’ve been arrested for, without feeling like a hypocrite.

6) Enjoy the money you’ve earned and make sure you tell people about it. Oh and if anyone sues you, get the public to pay with a go fund me, you’ve CD swimming pools to heat!

7) When people do sue you, make a grovelling apology, pay them shit loads and say you’re ’done with social media’.