Shit teams in shit European Cup Final 

Our head Sports writer reports from Bilbao.

The atmosphere here in Bilbao is certainly that of two sets of supporters who are pretending this is all fine and they are not two of the worst teams in Europe.

The sense of occasion has certainly kicked in, according to one Spurs supporter, who told us, ‘This is a great day for us if you think how shit we are. We’ve never been shitter in a way and yet we might win a trophy, albeit one none of our players have ever had ambitions to win.’

‘Also, I’m really chuffed for Harry Kane, it’s like a trophy for him in that he doesn’t have to be in this absolute barrel of a shit team, so congratulations to him!’

The occasion is not lost on United fans either, one Red Devil fan telling us, ‘For one day we can forget that we scrapped against getting relegated and our biggest rivals actually won the league. This is the worst season of my life as a United fan, I watched them losing to Wolves at home for Christ sake, so this final will help me pretend it’s not the shittest era in the club’s history. Honestly, I wish we had Djemba Djemba in the team. It’s that fucking bad.’