Horoscopes with mysterious Malcolm 

Aries ♈️ The sun moves closer which will hardly affect your pathetic outlook on life. Gamble more, especially on fruit machines.

Taurus ♉️ Don’t be afraid to shower once in a while you absolute funker.

Gemini ♊️ Everyone knows what you’re like so don’t ponce around thinking your clever, you’re not and everyone knows this and talks about it often.

Cancer ♋️ Positivity comes your way which is pointless as your clinical depression will return.

Leo ♌️ Romance is in the air in so much as you’ll fantasise about somebody who has zero interest in you.

Virgo ♍️ Risk may work for you so, now could be the chance to really take the piss at work.

Libra ♎️ You are healing so you’ll get away with taking advantage of your friends, great time to borrow money.

Scorpio ♏️ Life has been difficult recently and brighter days are ahead is you pull your finger out of your arse for once.

Sagittarius ♐️ As the full moon shines, it’ll be time to shine yourself so now is a great time to start that OnlyFans.

Capricorn ♑️ As the days become longer, you’ll be your usual tired self so just settle into that.

Aquarius ♒️ Friendship is important for the weeks ahead so maybe rally your friends around so you can really take advantage.

Pisces ♓️ As the planets spin like a bastard, may as well keep quiet as people will continue to not notice that you exist.