Amber warning for the rest of our lives

There will be an amber weather warning for the rest of our lives, we can report.

The MET office has can no longer be bothered to update specific weather warnings so from now on we will all be on an Amber warning.

Weather pervert Bill Frampton told us, ‘If we all just presume it will rain with an annoying amount of wind, then we’ll be fine.’

‘All the usual places will get flooded and we all need to be on trampoline watch if we are out and about. For the rest of our lives.’

Local man Jack Dole’s house gets flooded every year, he said, ‘I learnt to live with it, downstairs is now a sanctuary for tadpoles and other displaced wildlife.’