New England kit causes man to combust 

As the brand new national kit for England national football team was unveiled, a man exploded into flames, we can reveal.

Garry Furlong, 49, seemed to like the look of the kit until it was revealed to have a different colour cross on the back of the neck. Distraught wife Dawn Furlong wiped away her tears as she told us, ‘He loved the kit at the front, it was white…his favourite.’

‘Then he seen an unusual blue and purple cross on the back of the collar, he looked confused. His brother Carl started saying maybe the colours mean something else, I said ‘no I don't think so’ then looked at Garry and his whole face was red, starting to go blue. Next thing you know, he’s combusting right in front of us. Head like a fuckin’ flambé!’

Garry continued to combust as his wife and brother could only look on, powerless with only a wet St George’s tea towel that did little to rescue the nation-proud man.
This is yet another terrible loss in their family. Carl said, ‘I should’ve saw the signs. We lost our Dad last year when Rishi Sunak became PM. One minute he’s there, next thing he’s combusting. You never know what’s around the corner.’