Aldi’s fastest cashier tests positive for steroids

A long time till worker who amazed bosses with her speed of scanning items, has tested positive for performance enhancing steroids, we can reveal.

Jill Barnes had a reputation for leaving the customer lagging behind as they tried to pitifully bag up their items. But some customers suspected she was just too quick and raised the alarm to manager Greg.

In a statement he said, ‘Jill was a natural cashier who was the fastest we’d ever seen. As a youngster she had many Aldi scouts from London watching her but she was loyal to this store. Unfortunately, younger up and coming cashiers were breaking through and the pressure for her to be the best was clearly a factor’

‘Trevor on till 1 had said for some time that Jill had some sort of advantage but myself and the supervisors put this down to jealousy, for this we apologise to Trevor, who although needs to still quicken up, was correct in his suspicions. Jill will be having her record breaking 68 Employee of the Month awards rescinded with immediate effect.’